You may recall, when last we met I had just been thrust back into the modern world of Man - ripped from the filthy and unforgiving (yet overly-romanticized) bosom of nature, like so many other feral children and dirty, dirty hippies, who found their vagrant, escapist sojourns coming to a close.
If you do not recall this, then for shame! I take the time and effort to diligently recount every irrelevant detail of my life, demanding your unwavering devotion, and this is how I am repaid? Not even an absent-minded glance out of sheer guilt? I have no choice but to employ the height of my passive-aggressivity and casually hint that you might like to take a little time now to review. Don't worry, I'll wait...
There, was that so hard? Shall we proceed?
As sudden and drastic as this transition was, it didn't take long for me to become reacquainted, chummy even, with magnificent time-wasting technology and its warm, glowing, warming glow. Film, television (in various definitions), hydrated food, near daily showers, the INTERNET, and of course Snuggies. I resumed my unfulfilling, yet undemanding job as a coffee jockey and thusly my transformation from itinerant slacker to "productive" citizen was complete.
However, through all of this I remained confident in my one major advantage over a latte-making robot - love ( the robot's major advantages being it's ability to understand hip coffee jargon and its laser vision). You may also recall from your recent refresher on me, not only did I return from Maine with a lack of funds and a moose skull*, but also with something previously absent from the greater part of my existence - that is, a boyfriend. And an amazing one at that. So amazing that, despite my presently disenchanting status, I had (and have) an overwhelming excitement for the future and everything it may hold for us.
Separated by a mere six states (due to post-Trail financial woes) we wasted no time in furiously scheming our way back together, reunited at last, lesser beings will tremble at our might! Plans were concocted, abandoned, reanimated, bludgeoned to death, and then tentatively left to the wheel of time, careening toward the ditch of serendipity. Then one day, our vehicle of hope crashed into the tree of dreams and exploded into a fireball of salvation.
Not long after I had reached my final breaking point for bagels and steamed milk, I found out that I had been selected for an internship with the National Park Service, through the Student Conservation Association (SCA). Oh, fraptious day! No more aprons and tiny hats (except when especially funny or sexy)! And what's more, the job is located in Arizona, only two hours from the quaint desert settlement of Phoenix.
Which brings us all back around to the here and now (assuming that you are not reading this after traveling through time). In only a little less than two weeks, I will be packing my various bags, boxes, and steamer trunks and finally extricating myself from my parents' basement, once and for all. The actual internship is only a three month commitment, but if all goes accordingly, 1) Shawn will soon be procuring his own means of income in the fruitful southwestern land of milk and honey (read "barren wilderness"), 2) I will be joining him upon completion of my conservationing, 3) World domination. From there, the future is ours to mold to our collective iron will! So stay tuned to see what plans we have in store for your future of obsequious servitude. Brown-nosing and flattery will not spare you, but are encouraged nonetheless.
*Did you really read it?
I'm a lucky guy. Not only do you display a deft agility with your prose, but you're also not incarcerated in a federal penitentiary! Life, it seems, is like a rose. I can't wait for Phoenix, where Charles Barkley was created.
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