If you're east of the Mississippi, you may have heard talk of a mythical land to the west, where the temperature may burst your thermometer, buy you'd never notice because the heat simply floats away with the negligible humidity - it's a "dry heat" as they say. One of the first things I learned in Arizona was the only difference between a "wet heat" and a "dry heat" is that you sweat in a wet heat and you don't in a dry heat. You are miserable in both of them. They jury is still out on whether the arid or the humid is more oppressive, but 117 degrees is still hot no matter where you're from. It's like standing under a heat lamp with a blow dryer in your face. By the end of the summer, the first day the heat drops below 100 will be the best day of your life. That's just not right.
Driving in Phoenix
Phoenix is the 5th most populous city in the US, with about 1.5 million people. When you include the entire Phoenix metro area, that jumps up to about 4.3 million people. And this is spread out over 16,573 sq. miles of desert. Needless to say, everyone drives in Phoenix. It would probably take you an hour to drive from one side of the Valley to the other (that's on major highways) and all you would see is the same sun-bleached concrete wonderland. Who knows how long it would take during rush hour. Yes, there are buses, but unless you live right in the middle of the population center, you won't get anywhere in a timely fashion. In fact, there are some places the buses don't even run to yet, since the city is just so vast. And motorists in Phoenix are crazy. Maybe they're all angry and sick of driving, too. More likely they're all just trying to shave off whatever seconds they can from their drive time, since it's at least a 30 minute commute to anywhere. Plus Phoenix is #1 in the country for red light running fatalities. Mesa is #3. I could happily go without having to drive through that insanity ever again.
Snowbirds
The only thing worse than being stuck in 120 degree heat is being surrounded by rich old people who think that Phoenix is just the most wonderful place in the world because they're rich and retired and can afford to live in a pleasant part of the country during the summer.
The Desert
Yeah, the desert is kind of cool. But it's also kind of lame. In reality it may be teeming with life, but everything looks brown and gray and dead most of the year. Every plant has spikes, not just the cactus. You have to constantly monitor your every movement, lest one of them jump out and attack you. I was lucky enough to have the full desert experience and actually get a piece of cactus stuck in my leg. And if the plants aren't enough, watch out where you sit, because the scorpions and the rattlesnakes will get you next. Or maybe the killer bees if you happen to stumble on a hive, which could be anywhere. You have to make an expedition across the wilderness to find any kind of water, the ground is made of solid rock, and there is no shade. It's basically an unrelenting, barren wasteland.
Jobs
Obviously. Of course, if it weren't for the crappy jobs that Shawn and I had in Phoenix, we probably wouldn't be on our way to Korea right now. But we're both more than happy to be rid of them. Of all the jobs I've had so far, I've never made anything higher than $8.50/hr, and if I ever have to go back to a job like that....well, it won't be pretty.
Or should I say lack of weather? Aside from the occasional dust storm or furtive sprinkle of rain in the night, every day in Phoenix is warm and dry. No need to check the Weather Channel or even stick your head out the window. If it's getting close to winter, you might want to take a jacket in the evening, but otherwise the forecast is great. When we left Phoenix, we had initially planned to camp wherever we could along the way. However, those plans quickly changed when we hit New Mexico and realized that not everywhere is as warm and cozy as the Valley of the Sun. Other places are, in fact, incredibly cold and windy. And also covered in snow. So we nixed the camping, but we did stop and see White Sands National Monument and Carlsbad Caverns. Then, after we finally drove all the way to Louisiana, we found out that this is the wettest December they've had in, like, maybe ever? Seriously, why won't it stop raining?? I could use some desert sun right about now.
Cheap movie theaters
Who has money these days? Not I. Certainly not enough to spend at the local megaplex. And how many of those movies are really worth it anyway? Not to worry - if you wait a few weeks, that film that you thought looked pretty good but you didn't want to shill out $10 for will probably have a second run down at Pollack Tempe Cinemas for only $3! $2 if you manage to go on a Tuesday! Then again, if you really just can't wait, load up the car with all the snacks you can carry and drive on over to the Scottsdale West Wind Drive-In. A double feature every night for only $6.25, and only $4.25 on Tuesdays! What's so special about Tuesdays around these parts, I don't know, but I do know it'll probably be awhile before I get a movie deal that good again.
Hiking
Arizona was made for hiking. In my 10 months there, I didn't even begin to scratch the surface of the infinite amount of trails weaving across every part of the state. Shawn and I topped a couple of peaks right in the heart of Phoenix, but didn't even have time to work our way to the massive mountain park right in our back yard. Not to mention the labyrinth of trails through the Superstition Mountains, just east of the city, or the Mogollon Rim to the north. Somehow we made it to the top of Humphrey's Peak, but that's just one mountain (and one trail) in all of the San Francisco Peaks around Flagstaff. And don't even get me started on the Grand Canyon ...
The Desert
The Sonoran Desert, anyway. I don't know about other deserts, but Sonora is a pretty cool place. There are a lot of plants and animals there, that don't live anywhere else in the world, like gila monsters, coatimundi, and of course the saguaro cactus, plus a ton of others that you won't see on the East coast. The landscapes are amazing, and despite how brown everything may look most of the year, in the spring everything blooms in awesome color.
Space Mountain
There aren't really any significant landmarks in Phoenix ... except for Space Mountain. A red, blinking mass of radio and television towers set high atop a ridge that can be seen from nearly anywhere in the city. I don't know what it's really called (or if it has a name at all), but Shawn and I were quick to realize that these eerie towers were not of this world, and Space Mountain was born. We were lucky enough to live in the neighborhood closest to the beacon, and it was always a welcome sight, guiding us home from wherever we might stray. I shall truly miss its unearthly warm, glowing, warming glow.
I think this is a valid question, despite the fact that he has starred in 15 motion pictures. Actually "starred" might be the wrong word, since in the majority of these films Mr. Bloom is either outshined by his costars (PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN), part of an ensemble cast (LORD OF THE RINGS, TROY), or hardly in the film at all (BLACK HAWK DOWN). I have to admit that I have never seen (or really heard of) HAVEN, nor have I seen ELIZABETHTOWN, but they have a 21% and 17% rating, respectively, from top critics on Rotten Tomatoes, and Bloom's performances are described as "the weakest in a mixed bag" and "bland."
So what do these films tell us about the enigmatic Orlando? Well, he's certainly good at swordplay, speaking elvish, and wearing period costumes. If you're looking for expressive eyebrow movement, he's your man. And he's definitely a pretty face. But does any of that constitute "acting?" Granted, the role of Legolas didn't really call for much more than someone with a pretty face who can pull off pointy ears. And I admit that as Will Turner, he was a good straight man to Johnny Depp's excessively wacky Captain Jack Sparrow (in the first POTC anyway). But an action-packed, swashbuckling high-seas adventure doesn't exactly need nuance. Was Bloom really that bad in HAVEN and ELIZABETHTOWN, or can some of blame be laid on writer/directors (Frank E. Flowers and Cameron Crowe, respectively) for sticking him in a no-win situation? Could it be that Hollywood just hasn't given him a chance to break out from behind those angelic good looks?
To some extent, I think he has been pigeonholed. The LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy was the chance of a lifetime, and for his first major film role Bloom definitely stood out in his blond wig and green tights, especially to the female viewers (myself included). So of course, when a casting director for the next big blockbuster is looking for a love interest who can grow a wispy mustache and fill out some chain mail, the dreamy Brit is at the top of the list. But Bloom isn't a big action star. When you've got a movie (TROY) with Brad Pitt on steroids playing a one-man army, the skinny little mop-head is totally lost in the scenery Plus, Paris is a pretty wimpy character to begin with. In fact, I'm not sure that Bloom is a star at all. Of all the films he has been in, I never think of any of them as "Orlando Bloom films." I think of them more as "films that Orlando Bloom happens to be in."
Yet, despite his track record so far, part of me has always held a little light of hope for our underwhelming hero. Most of that hope has been riding on one mysterious film - THE CALCIUM KID. I say mysterious, because I have been seeking out this film on and off for the last five years, to no avail. Back in early 2004 (or was it late 2003?) I was floating around the Interwebs, when I stumbled upon the website for London-based Working Title Films, which produces some great British films (and almost every Coen brothers film since 1991). That day I discovered two films, one of which was a romantic comedy with zombies - SHAUN OF THE DEAD. The other was THE CALCIUM KID - a mockumentary style comedy that follows Jimmy Connelly, a young milkman and aspiring boxer who, due to his rock-hard, calcium-enriched bones, unexpectedly ends up in a bout against the middleweight world champion ... starring Orlando Bloom.
Orlando Bloom in a comedy! Orlando Bloom without any incredibly epic battle scenes or even a romantic storyline. Can Orlando Bloom be funny? Can he carry a film? Can he be the star?? Now this I gotta see. The only problem is that this film was never released in the US and still to this date is only available on Region 2 DVD (i.e. - won't play in US/Region 1 DVD players). In fact, according to IMDB, it was only released on 82 screens in the UK. Needless to say, I gave up hope of ever being able to answer the riddle of Orlando Bloom. THE CALCIUM KID would forever be a puzzle, unless I made a trip to Europe, or at least bought a universal DVD player.
That was before the advent of Netflix. Netflix, how did we ever live without you? Before Netflix my chances of ever seeing CALCIUM KID were minuscule at best. However, today not only can you receive movies through the mail, but also through the same series of tubes that brings this blog to you now. And the tubes do not have regions. So after a long hiatus, when the mystery movie somehow resurfaced in my consciousness, I turned to Netflix and lo and behold there it was, right at my fingertips. I settled down in front of my computer, hit play, and prepared myself for Orlando Bloom enlightenment. An hour and a half later I had my answer...
Can Orlando Bloom act? - Yes. Can he star in a film? - Not at all.
THE CALCIUM KID was not a laugh riot, but it was a good film. I enjoyed it. Bloom does well as the naïve but well-meaning milkman, but most of the comedy comes from the supporting cast. Omid Djalili (GLADIATOR, CASANOVA) plays Jimmy's weasel of a manager who is determined to use the big fight to launch himself to fame, Rafe Spall (HOT FUZZ) plays Jimmy's chav best friend and self-appointed "motivator," and David Kelly (CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY) plays Jimmy's drunken Irish stereotype of a coach. Bloom has a few laughs, like when he explains his morning workout:
Or when he finally loses it before the big fight:
But even though he is the lead, mostly he just plays straight man to the other wacky characters. Hmm, sounds familiar.
But this movie isn't a mis-step for Orlando. Rather, I think it's a step in the right direction. Like I said earlier, Bloom wasn't made for action films - he's thin and totally unimposing - but that's why he's perfect for a role like CALCIUM KID. Basically the joke of the entire movie is that a puny, unassuming kid is attempting to fight an egocentric knockout professional. It's the most believable role Orlando Bloom has ever had.
Bloom didn't skyrocket to fame because of some acclaimed breakout role that proved his acting chops. He became famous because he looks like an elf. And his Hollywood career has pretty much continued based solely on his looks - he's a box office draw for the ladies. So I think his overnight stardom was as much of a surprise to him as to anyone, just like Jimmy Connelly. That unassuming, naïve quality suits him. Plus Bloom isn't hunky. Hell, he isn't even handsome. He's pretty, like a doll. Pair that with a child-like sense of wonder and it makes him cute, like a puppy. No wonder he seems ineffectual in most of his films.
So here's my advice, Orlando: lay off the dashing hero act and stick to comedy. You don't always have to be the simple straight man, but take it easy until you've got enough experience you can carry the film as the lead. No more swords and battles, or even guns and chases (although it seems you're already learning martial arts for a new venture. *sigh*). Tone it down and try some more roles where you actually have to act instead of epically running around defending people's honor. I still haven't given up on you. We haven't seen you on the big screen in a few years, but this new film SYMPATHY FOR DELICIOUS seems like it could be promising. I said you can act, so prove me right!
Also, stop trying to grow facial hair. You're better off without it.
