I think this is a valid question, despite the fact that he has starred in 15 motion pictures. Actually "starred" might be the wrong word, since in the majority of these films Mr. Bloom is either outshined by his costars (PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN), part of an ensemble cast (LORD OF THE RINGS, TROY), or hardly in the film at all (BLACK HAWK DOWN). I have to admit that I have never seen (or really heard of) HAVEN, nor have I seen ELIZABETHTOWN, but they have a 21% and 17% rating, respectively, from top critics on Rotten Tomatoes, and Bloom's performances are described as "the weakest in a mixed bag" and "bland."
So what do these films tell us about the enigmatic Orlando? Well, he's certainly good at swordplay, speaking elvish, and wearing period costumes. If you're looking for expressive eyebrow movement, he's your man. And he's definitely a pretty face. But does any of that constitute "acting?" Granted, the role of Legolas didn't really call for much more than someone with a pretty face who can pull off pointy ears. And I admit that as Will Turner, he was a good straight man to Johnny Depp's excessively wacky Captain Jack Sparrow (in the first POTC anyway). But an action-packed, swashbuckling high-seas adventure doesn't exactly need nuance. Was Bloom really that bad in HAVEN and ELIZABETHTOWN, or can some of blame be laid on writer/directors (Frank E. Flowers and Cameron Crowe, respectively) for sticking him in a no-win situation? Could it be that Hollywood just hasn't given him a chance to break out from behind those angelic good looks?
To some extent, I think he has been pigeonholed. The LORD OF THE RINGS trilogy was the chance of a lifetime, and for his first major film role Bloom definitely stood out in his blond wig and green tights, especially to the female viewers (myself included). So of course, when a casting director for the next big blockbuster is looking for a love interest who can grow a wispy mustache and fill out some chain mail, the dreamy Brit is at the top of the list. But Bloom isn't a big action star. When you've got a movie (TROY) with Brad Pitt on steroids playing a one-man army, the skinny little mop-head is totally lost in the scenery Plus, Paris is a pretty wimpy character to begin with. In fact, I'm not sure that Bloom is a star at all. Of all the films he has been in, I never think of any of them as "Orlando Bloom films." I think of them more as "films that Orlando Bloom happens to be in."
Yet, despite his track record so far, part of me has always held a little light of hope for our underwhelming hero. Most of that hope has been riding on one mysterious film - THE CALCIUM KID. I say mysterious, because I have been seeking out this film on and off for the last five years, to no avail. Back in early 2004 (or was it late 2003?) I was floating around the Interwebs, when I stumbled upon the website for London-based Working Title Films, which produces some great British films (and almost every Coen brothers film since 1991). That day I discovered two films, one of which was a romantic comedy with zombies - SHAUN OF THE DEAD. The other was THE CALCIUM KID - a mockumentary style comedy that follows Jimmy Connelly, a young milkman and aspiring boxer who, due to his rock-hard, calcium-enriched bones, unexpectedly ends up in a bout against the middleweight world champion ... starring Orlando Bloom.
That was before the advent of Netflix. Netflix, how did we ever live without you? Before Netflix my chances of ever seeing CALCIUM KID were minuscule at best. However, today not only can you receive movies through the mail, but also through the same series of tubes that brings this blog to you now. And the tubes do not have regions. So after a long hiatus, when the mystery movie somehow resurfaced in my consciousness, I turned to Netflix and lo and behold there it was, right at my fingertips. I settled down in front of my computer, hit play, and prepared myself for Orlando Bloom enlightenment. An hour and a half later I had my answer...
Can Orlando Bloom act? - Yes. Can he star in a film? - Not at all.
THE CALCIUM KID was not a laugh riot, but it was a good film. I enjoyed it. Bloom does well as the naïve but well-meaning milkman, but most of the comedy comes from the supporting cast. Omid Djalili (GLADIATOR, CASANOVA) plays Jimmy's weasel of a manager who is determined to use the big fight to launch himself to fame, Rafe Spall (HOT FUZZ) plays Jimmy's chav best friend and self-appointed "motivator," and David Kelly (CHARLIE AND THE CHOCOLATE FACTORY) plays Jimmy's drunken Irish stereotype of a coach. Bloom has a few laughs, like when he explains his morning workout:
Or when he finally loses it before the big fight:
But even though he is the lead, mostly he just plays straight man to the other wacky characters. Hmm, sounds familiar.
But this movie isn't a mis-step for Orlando. Rather, I think it's a step in the right direction. Like I said earlier, Bloom wasn't made for action films - he's thin and totally unimposing - but that's why he's perfect for a role like CALCIUM KID. Basically the joke of the entire movie is that a puny, unassuming kid is attempting to fight an egocentric knockout professional. It's the most believable role Orlando Bloom has ever had.
Bloom didn't skyrocket to fame because of some acclaimed breakout role that proved his acting chops. He became famous because he looks like an elf. And his Hollywood career has pretty much continued based solely on his looks - he's a box office draw for the ladies. So I think his overnight stardom was as much of a surprise to him as to anyone, just like Jimmy Connelly. That unassuming, naïve quality suits him. Plus Bloom isn't hunky. Hell, he isn't even handsome. He's pretty, like a doll. Pair that with a child-like sense of wonder and it makes him cute, like a puppy. No wonder he seems ineffectual in most of his films.
So here's my advice, Orlando: lay off the dashing hero act and stick to comedy. You don't always have to be the simple straight man, but take it easy until you've got enough experience you can carry the film as the lead. No more swords and battles, or even guns and chases (although it seems you're already learning martial arts for a new venture. *sigh*). Tone it down and try some more roles where you actually have to act instead of epically running around defending people's honor. I still haven't given up on you. We haven't seen you on the big screen in a few years, but this new film SYMPATHY FOR DELICIOUS seems like it could be promising. I said you can act, so prove me right!
Also, stop trying to grow facial hair. You're better off without it.
Hey, it's "that guy!"
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